How To Set Better Boundaries
Do you often feel overstimulated, or as if life is happening to you rather than with you? Many people recognize that feeling, and some thoughts that might come up are the following:
“I am constantly busy, but I don’t know what I actually want for myself.”
“Everyone seems to need something from me.”
“By the end of the day, my head feels full, like there’s no space left.”
“Some conversations leave me completely depleted.”
Setting boundaries is not easy. In fact, many people have no clear sense of where their personal boundaries actually are. We blame demanding family members, insensitive coworkers, or a society that never seems to switch off. And yes, all of those play a role. However, the frustration and resentment usually start somewhere else—not knowing what you want.
Boundaries vs. Rules vs. Assertiveness
Boundaries are about defining your own personal space, limits, and needs. They communicate what you are comfortable with and what you are not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Healthy boundaries protect your well-being and preserve your sense of self while staying connected to others.
Rules are attempts to control or restrict another person’s behavior. When one partner imposes rules, it can undermine autonomy and create power imbalances. Rules are often enforced with consequences or punishments, which can lead to fear, resistance, or resentment rather than mutual respect.
Assertiveness is the communication skill that allows boundaries to be expressed clearly and respectfully. It is the ability to state your needs, preferences, and limits without aggression or passivity. Boundaries define what you need; assertiveness is how you communicate it.
BeliefsBoundaries are very personal, and they are rarely the same for everyone else. Often, there is an underlying belief that makes it difficult to protect your boundaries properly. For example, you may believe that setting boundaries:
Causes conflict or confrontation
Damages relationships/friendships
Should not be necessary
Makes you “difficult.”
Is not possible, because these things are “expected” from you
We often do not consider that:
The other person may actually appreciate and respect you for being clear
Communicating boundaries creates clarity about where you both stand
Clear expectations reduce misunderstandings and resentment
Others may not hold the expectations you assume they do
Healthy relationships can handle honesty
Rarely do we consciously notice when something happens near or crosses our personal boundary. Instead, we suddenly feel irritated, angry, or defensive. We are surprised by our own response, without realizing what actually happened.
Meanwhile, we are eroding our boundaries daily. We (overshare) online, mix work and private life, and grow accustomed to constant availability. Transparency is praised, accessibility is expected. Fully visible, always available have become the norm.
The Garden Metaphor
A helpful way to understand boundaries is through the metaphor of a garden. It is a modern therapeutic metaphor that organically developed in psychology and has been popularized by multiple writers and therapists.
Your thoughts, feelings, memories, beliefs, and experiences are alive and constantly changing, much like a garden. Some areas feel calm and nourishing. Other areas may be overgrown, neglected, or shaped by old ideas that no longer fit who you are now.
That garden is you. Around your garden is a fence, a hedge, a wall, or maybe nothing at all. You most likely do not want everyone wandering through your garden without your permission, seeing everything that grows there 24/7. And you would not want others throwing their frustrations, opinions, or emotional burdens into it. Often however, that is exactly what happens.
When people begin to pay attention to their boundaries, they start noticing how that fence is shaped. Is it high or low? Solid or full of gaps? Is the gate always open, or tightly locked? And is it that way by choice, or by habit?
Many of us carry beliefs planted early in life: that others always come first, that it is better not to be difficult, that saying no is selfish. Over time, these ideas lower the fence and keep the gate open until exhaustion sets in.
By becoming aware of this, boundary-setting becomes more intentional and less reactive. You can decide when there is enough space to open the gate and welcome someone in, and when it needs to stay closed. Not because you do not care, but because you do care.
Awareness
Practical awareness helps. Writing down moments when your boundary is (almost) crossed can be revealing. Noting when a family member turns every morning into an emotional debrief or a coworker who comments on your appearance can be helpful. Seeing it on paper shows how often it happens, and how much energy it costs.
Awareness and strengthening your boundaries do not just affect you. When your fence becomes more solid, others tend to adjust. People are less likely to overstep, to unload, or to demand without thinking.
There is another important side to this. As you become more aware of your own boundary, you might also begin to notice how easily you might cross others’. Boundary awareness is not only about protecting your own space, but it is also about respecting the space of others. Knocking before entering the gate, instead of stepping over the fence.
Important note: Boundary awareness is not about control or becoming rigid or distant. It is about creating enough time and space to breathe, choose, and connect without resentment. A well-tended garden is not closed off from the world; it simply has a fence, a gate, and the other person who knows how and when to open it.
Exercise 1: Practice Setting Boundaries with DESC
This exercise helps you convert frustration into a clear (professional) boundary using the DESC model. Boundaries are about protecting focus, performance, and well-being, not correcting someone else.
Step 1: Identify the Irritation (Awareness)
Think of a recent example:
A colleague vents loudly about a difficult flight or checkride
Repeated interruptions during flight planning
Extended non-essential conversation during preflight
Saying, “You seem really stressed,” is not a boundary; that comments on them. A boundary clarifies what you need.
Ask yourself: What do I need?
Do I need a calm preflight environment to focus?
Do I need quiet during flight planning?
Do I need mental space before a simulator session?
Write down:
The situation:
What actually matters to me in this moment:
Step 2: Build Your Boundary Using DESC
In this statement, there is no accusation or diagnosing their stress; it is all clear communication. Now structure your boundary:
D – Describe (neutral, factual)
“When preflight conversations turn into extended venting…”
E – Express the impact
“…it makes it harder for me to concentrate on preparing for departure.”
S – Specify your need
“I need a quieter environment so I can focus properly.”
C – Consequence / next step
“If that is not possible, I will prepare in a different space.”
It becomes the following statement: “When preflight conversations turn into extended venting, it makes it harder for me to focus on departure prep. I need a quieter environment to concentrate. If that is not possible, I will prepare in a different space.”
Step 3: Communicate Kindly and From Your Perspective
The other person does not have to fully understand your need; what matters is that they respect it. Look for a solution that works for both of you. For example: “I work best if I can prep quietly before departure. Would you be okay catching up about that later during cruise or after landing?”
Step 4: Avoid Debating
If the other person responds with: “I’m not even that stressed.” That is a defensive reaction, and that is okay. It is not your responsibility to manage their discomfort. Stay grounded and repeat your need: “For me, it’s really helpful to have a calm morning so I can focus.” You can add: “Would that work for you?” You are not arguing about whether they are stressed; you are protecting your performance environment.
Step 5. Do Not Minimize Your Needs
Avoid (internal) statements like: “Maybe I am just being sensitive.” “It is probably not a big deal.” You are allowed to have limitations. If you diminish your own need, you undermine your own standard.
Boundary Checklist
Before or after communicating, ask yourself:
Is my boundary concrete and specific? Example: “I want a quiet preflight briefing.”
Did I communicate it clearly and without blame?
Is it realistic and something the other person can reasonably respect?
Is my consequence a boundary (what I will do), not a punishment?
Reflection Practice
At the end of each day, reflect:
In what situation did I need a boundary?
What boundary was important to me?
Did I communicate a boundary, or just comment on what annoyed me?
How did I protect it? What did I say or do?
If I did not protect it, what would I do differently next time?
Exercise 2: Explore Beliefs + Reframe
As mentioned earlier, oftentimes we have beliefs about setting boundaries. In this exercise, you identify and challenge the hidden beliefs that keep you from setting healthy boundaries.
Step 1: Identify a Recent Situation
Think of a recent moment in which you:
Said yes but meant no
Felt resentful
Overextended yourself
Avoided speaking up
Write down:
What happened
What you wanted to say
What you actually said
Step 2: Identify the Underlying Belief
Complete this sentence:
“If I set a boundary, then ______.”
Common examples:
“…they will be upset.”
“…I will disappoint them.”
“…I look selfish.”
“…they won’t not like me anymore.”
Step 3: Reality TestingAsk yourself:
What actual evidence do I have that this will happen?
What is another possible outcome?
How might a secure and confident version of me interpret this situation?
Step 4: Reframe
Replace the belief with a balanced alternative:
“People can tolerate disappointment.”
“Clarity strengthens relationships.”
“I am allowed to have boundaries.”
This exercise builds awareness that boundaries are blocked more by belief than by circumstance.
Exercise 3: Practice Setting Boundaries
Boundaries improve with repetition, like strength training. With this exercise, you can work on your “boundary muscle” through practice in safe situations.
Step 1: Choose Low-Stakes Opportunities
Start small:
Decline a store mailing list.
Say, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
Ask for a different table at a restaurant.
Request clarification in a meeting.
Step 2: Keep It Short
Practice this structure:
“I’m not able to ___, but I can ___.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need ___ in order to ___.”
Keep it short. No over-explaining and thank them for being accommodating.
Step 3: Notice the Aftermath
After you set the boundary, reflect:
What actually happened?
Did the feared outcome occur?
How did it feel to do that?
Most people discover:
The reaction is neutral or respectful
The anxiety was worse than the reality
Confidence increases with repetition
Final ThoughtsSetting healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you are used to prioritizing others or avoiding conflict. However, boundaries are not selfish; they are essential for emotional health, self-respect, and sustainable connection.
If you find it difficult to identify or communicate your boundaries, or if relationship patterns repeatedly leave you feeling drained or resentful, seeking support from a licensed mental health professional can be helpful. Emerald Mental Health provides a safe space to explore your needs, strengthen assertiveness skills, and build healthier relationship dynamics over time. Reach out to reini@emeraldmentalhealth.com or visit emeraldmentalhealth.com .
ResourcesAlberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Drescher, A. (2024, November 15). Boundaries vs. rules. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/boundaries-vs-rules.html
WorkMotion. (2023, May 2). The DESC feedback model. WorkMotion.https://workmotion.com/academy-post/the-desc-feedback-model
